Viewing: Who » Limp.

Limp.

'Rumors of my demise may not have been greatly exaggerated.'

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And finally… what's below is a composite edit of email to a colleague, written several years (I think 2013) ago, in response to suggestions I do something less onerous than the project on which I was then working.

Amid a 'lack of clarity and energy' malaise, I've been exhausted (medically, not just 'a bit tired')…

'A state in which energy expenditure outstrips restorative processes, sleep becomes unrefreshing, and the body is unable to self-regulate.'

'Often characterized by reduced cognitive function, and a lessened capacity or motivation for work; usually accompanied by weariness, sleepiness, irritability, apathy, loss of ambition/motivation.'

This isn't a recent occurrence, but it's seriously worsened in recent weeks.

I rarely get beyond about 4am before getting-up, and I'm usually wasted by about mid-morning.

Could be worse, so I'm not massively bothered. But it's not conducive to doing good business.

There's a lot (much of it nonsense) written about burnout/chronic and/or adrenal fatigue/etcetera. This clip is relevant:

Burnout represents the most depleted end of the stress continuum.

You’re a vacuous presence. It’s not that you don’t want to be present; you do. It’s kind of like the ICU [intensive care unit] version of stress.

Recovery from burnout must address head-on the factors that erode resilience.

You can’t just tell someone to [fix themselves] … [instead] direct burned-out patients to begin by taking control of what they can control.

Initially, that might just mean taking a day, week, or more off from work; canceling all social engagements; turning off the phone; and spending some time taking care, and taking stock.

I'll be back when stronger. The project will get done. And it'll be better for not rushing to fit an imposed timeframe.

I've had flat periods before, and, in recognizing that 'productivity can't really be commanded', rather than try to force myself through them I've learned to ease-off a bit and patiently ride-out the lows, heartened by this Bukowski riff:

'What do you do? How do you write, create?'

You don't, I told them. You don't try.

That's very important: not to try, either for Cadillacs, creation or immortality. You wait, and if nothing happens, you wait some more.

It's like a bug high on the wall.

You wait for it to come to you.

When it gets close enough you reach out, slap out and kill it.

Or if you like its looks you make a pet out of it.

Am I seriously advocating 'sit on your arse and do nought'? Yep. If that feels right. And not if it doesn't.

Yes, it's ridiculously self-indulgent… but in my life ‘wait until the moment arrives’ has often worked, so I'll stick with it, and when it feels right unquestioningly do it.

So… that's the long-story-short on what's been a frustrating period. Now, after 'please, just leave me the hell alone' doing relatively little commercially during much of the past few years, I'm now once-again able to move ahead with this project.

Albeit somewhat later than originally intended, it feels good to 'be back'… even though, despite the absence, there's barely been a day when I've not been mentally considering some-or-other aspect of things here.