Notes: 'Of pain and pleasure...'

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'Of pain and pleasure...'

(4 minute read.)

Of pain and pleasure? Well, mostly just pain.

A friend with whom I've had relatively little contact for an extended period recently asked how I am.

It's prompted another sit rep, and which, in an AA-type disclosure, I include here.

I've previously written, of which 'Whatever would Henry have said?' might be a good example, about posting personal stuff ('raw tales' of what we think and feel, what's happening in our lives, the screw-ups, etcetera) on a business site. I consider it appropriate to mention stuff likely to affect my commercial activity.

Anyway…

How are things?

Purely for information, not attention or sympathy…

A bit crap—I'm struggling.

The main issues are…

Seemingly irreversibly affected by burnout, I'm emotionally exhausted and damaged, and my brain doesn't work as it should—deceiving me with flawed and illogical thinking.

Poor physical health (cancer, CFS, and other issues) causes pain and further depletes me. Sleep deprivation and poor nutrition don't help. Not at all strong, I'm significantly weakened.

Recent years of living alone have been tough… not just the ending of a relationship I valued, but the absence of a True Companion—someone to love and be loved by.

Additionally, based on the cancer prognosis, I'd not expected to still be alive now—and so had already 'said my goodbyes', detaching and withdrawing accordingly. 'Be glad I'm alive?' I get that, and to some degree I of course am—but I find it difficult to return to and participate fully in something I'd already left, and where I no longer feel I belong. Literally, I don't want to be alive—I've had enough, but am not suicidal.

Add-in a touch of guilt and regret at how I've lived too much of my life and, all things considered, I'm deeply unhappy. But not particularly distressed.

I still get times when 'bring me fresh cape and tights' I feel able to 'leap tall buildings in a single bound', but they've become relatively rare and fleeting.

'Accept and live', I know how to ~~fix much~~ improve some of my situation, but can't be bothered to do anything about it. So, my future rolls in and on… to quickly become part of a present and past I can't escape.

Commercially#8230;

I've almost no desire to do any business.
(I've almost no desire to do anything. )

Perhaps oddly, my brain remains relatively sharp on strategy and suchlike… but I've little-to-no confidence in my ability to do any of my projects, even though I know what needs to be done and that it's within my capability.

I've too many, even though by having changed some of them to books rather than websites, and spacing them over 2-3 years, the workload is manageable—plus I intend to outsource almost everything anyway.

Most of them are good, and some are excellent. On subsequent review, there's a few that aren't worth doing and some which are 'what the hell was I thinking, when I decided that was a good idea?' daft—and so will remain parked and not go any further.

For some projects, my desire to do them is because they're worthwhile—I don't need them to be profitable.

I'm unhappy about the cost of domains during the period before I develop specific projects, even though 'a couple of domains for a couple of years' is a relatively tiny expense for a project. But over multiple projects it becomes not insignificant, and I worry about my ability to afford this even, though I know I have the money and the cost can easily be covered by profit from other projects. But I fear that 'I should save all of the money I have, because I'll need it—I'll never get any more'.

So that's how things are, currently and have been for a while.

And it's ok… I'm lucky and have an easy life—things could be a lot worse and I'm glad they're not.

As Bob might note (in expressing a sense of individual resilience and acceptance of suffering)… 'It’s alright, Ma, I’m only sighing.'

For those unfamiliar with the track, it apparently…

Suggests a moment of resignation and weariness, but also a sense of acceptance in the face of overwhelming societal problems and personal struggles…

And implies that while the singer is acknowledging the pain and frustration of the human condition, he's not defeated by it. The sigh is a release of tension, a recognition of the difficulties, but not a complete surrender.

So now we all know.

Those preferring a lighter-toned Dylan might care to try…

Thank you, Bob.

So…

Rather than wallowing in misery, there's something self-empowering in writing 'blood on the carpet' self-appraisal. It helps consolidate and clarify things.

As noted previously…

Long-story-short… I don't struggle with despair; I surrender to it. Experience has taught me that it'd be a tussle I couldn't win, and so I don't waste the energy fighting. And this works for me.

'If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you.'

The gloom? It'll pass. Sunlight seeps in.

So yeah, things are what they are.

And, for avoidance of doubt, what's here is not a cry for help or a problem to be solved, but simply the reality of where I am right now, documented with insight and honesty.

'Of pain and pleasure...'

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