Viewing: Notes » Sparks.
Sparks.
(6 minute read.)
'Careful with those electro-shock paddles, Eugene.'
So I consider these as things with which I have to live, as best I'm able. I realise the situation could be a lot worse, and I'm extremely grateful that it's not.
And notable consequences of being so depleted, include …
- Low self-confidence and -esteem: deep lack of self-belief.
- Loss of meaning and motivation: considerable apathy.
- Hopelessness and helplessness: a profound sense that whatever I do things won't get better.
- Isolation: feeling alone or trapped, withdrawing.
(Yeah, that list was largely a cut-and-paste. Pretend you didn't notice, and move on.)
With self-confidence and motivation so low, I increasingly feel I should 'abandon plans for world domination' and discontinue work on many (but not all) of my incipient projects, formally dumping them. This seems appropriate in view of my previously mentioned feeling of…
'That project is a stupid idea, and the name is shite—and even if it isn't a stupid idea, the name is still shite.'
And, when using AI for an objective analysis and viewing a project as if it were somebody else's rather than mine, and thinking 'well that's actually quite clever, it's a decent project'… then my reaction is 'Who the hell am I to try and do something like that? Do I have the ability? And besides, there's others who're far better placed (smarter/established/more resources) than me, doing similar stuff.'
So yeah, 'problems all round'… personal and commercial.
And, back to where we came in with depression etcetera… I don't know if I should be grabbing the happy pills. My preferred solution is to sort my life (personal and business activity), to remove what I can of the stressors and things which make me unhappy. That way, I'm not simply treating symptoms.
Although I can't work properly (and thought of 'launch' and the responsibility of having to 'be there daily' often triggers extreme nausea and gut-tightening intestinal pain), I'm doing what I can—and that's still a considerable amount. So I'm allowing myself to create and inhabit a revised role and duties, and this'll enable me to re-find some enthusiasm and make better progress (things have too often been a glacially slow chore recently).
And my personal life? It's a f***in' disaster. I don't remember when I last slept properly, bothered to have a decent meal, or do anything pleasurable. 'Withdrawn' is a considerable understatement. So yeah, I need to sort these things.
Whatever.
And, despite the obvious Floyd reference (Eugene) at the start of this note, I'm closing with the Ramones.
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