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Depleted.
(3 minute read.)
Stress and 'meh'?
This is a note I hadn't expected to write. But it's part of being open and authentic, covering 'things gone wrong' rather than 'it's all going great'.
I'm increasingly realising/accepting just how depleted I am and have been in recent months.
The cause of this is largely, in addition to significant chronic sleep deprivation, things in my personal (non-business) life. The issues themselves are relatively minor. But because of how depleted and easily overwhelmed I am, the effect and consequences are considerable.
I realise how ridiculous this sounds, but I'm so drained that often the tiniest thing—something which ordinarily I'd be able to handle easily and wouldn't be a problem—can be hugely unsettling, perhaps 'straw, camel's back, break'.
Additionally, being so tired/drained and of low mood triggers various other unhelpful psychological and physiological issues… guilt about having been a poor parent, regret about how I've lived much of my life, hopelessness regarding my future; and significant intestinal pain, stress-triggered angina, and more.
Anyway…
And so these and other issues reduce my ability to 'do business', and to counter the 'it's all crap, and I lack the ability' doom'n'gloom view I currently have about my business activity. It's difficult to work on something in which I've no belief (which is how I feel about too many of my projects), and moreso when so significantly doubting my ability.
I'm of course aware that recovery from 'almost completely demoralized' involves including focusing on achievable positive actions, reconnecting with inner strength, and finding small wins to rebuild belief etcetera. But it doesn't always work, and often there isn't an easy or quick fix. The 'power of positive thinking', or 'man up, bro', won't do it. And it took time to get into this situation, and it will take time to get out of it.
So meantime, unable to overcome it, I live with it.
What does it feel like?
- Low self-confidence and esteem. A deep lack of self-belief.
- Loss of meaning and motivation. Considerable apathy, things feel pointless, and you likely lose interest in things you valued.
- Cynicism and indifference. A belief that caring is foolish.
- Hopelessness and helplessness. A profound sense that actions don't matter and things won't get better.
- Isolation: Feeling alone or trapped, withdrawing.
The notable consequence of the loss of self-confidence and motivation is that I increasingly feel that I should 'abandon plans for world domination' and discontinue work on many (but not all) of my projects, formally shelving them as domain renewals become due.
It seems appropriate in view of my previously mentioned feeling of…
'That project is a stupid idea, and the name is shite—and even if it isn't a stupid idea, the name is still shite'.
And, when using AI for an objective analysis and viewing a project as if it were somebody else's rather than mine, and thinking 'well that's actually quite clever, it's a decent project'… then my reaction is 'Who the hell am I to try and do something like that? Do I have the ability? And besides, there's others who're far better placed (smarter/established/more resources) than me, doing similar stuff.'
So yeah, defeat—wasted time and energy and money, etcetera.
Done. I just wanted to say.
Anyway, I hope and expect this to be the last of these 'woe is me' notes… and that future posts will focus on 'stuff going right' etcetera and specific projects. We'll see. 🙂
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