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Excuses, excuses.
(3 minute read.)
Rinse. Repeat. Die.
Continuing my development in public, or rather perhaps 'dysfunction in public'…
This'll be another seemingly inappropriate note.
I'm increasingly realising just what a mess my life has been during the past ten-or-so years.
I've genuinely had significant difficulty with various things. Major events, with overlap and not necessarily in order, comprise:
- Significant problems recovering from a failed personal relationship.
- Various medical issues which have affected (mental/physical impediment) my ability to work.
- A period of detachment from reality, partially attributable to meds, at its worst perhaps genuinely a mild form of insanity.
- Trying to do some business stuff.
- Trying to retire.
And yes, I have recognised and do acknowledge much of what's happened during this period to be part of a mental breakdown, stemming from prolonged grief and stress. All things considered, perhaps my major achievement during it has been to not fall apart completely. This is no small thing.
Thinking about this 'lost time' now reduces me to tears.
'Shorter of breath, and one day closer to death.'
'Contrasting the carefree pace of youth with the pressures of adulthood, urging listeners to recognize time's relentless march and find purpose before it's too late, the song explores the anxiety and regret over life's rapid passage, capturing the realization that youth's endless days have turned into fleeting moments, leading to missed opportunities and a search for meaning amidst daily trivialities and existential dread.'
Anyway…
Clearly, I can't do anything about what's gone, the time behind me. But I do need to do something about going forward, for perhaps the 5 to 10 years I may have remaining. I certainly can't continue as I have been.
In the past year or so I've done some genuinely good work, a sensible and sound basis for the future, and on which I need to capitalise. (Right now though, I just want to curl-up and cry—attributable in no small part to my 'catastrophic' personal life, which I continue to try to improve. I don't remember when I last slept properly or bothered to eat sensibly. And I do need to get out more.)
Although I have too many projects, there's been some significant benefit in the time and effort I've put into the whole 'what else can we add?' during the past year or so. It's occupied my mind and helped prevent further degradation… although nowadays I've very little self-confidence, I think I'd have less if I'd not done it—it's shown me that I can still do worthwhile stuff, and this is a small and highly welcome 'win' for me.
So… I know where I am. And where I want to be. My problem is how to join the two, to bridge things.
The intent and most of the strategy are fine. My problem is that I currently lack the resources of energy and money, with which this thing would become a relative doddle. So, I'll muddle through for a few months, doing much of the initial work myself, and as practicable I'll reinvest revenue to pay for outsourcing and progressively introduce additional projects.
As I've previously noted, I'm tempted to give up on many of my projects, to terminate them. But I do want to find a way of making them (certainly those that have an appropriate element of practicality and are socially or financially worthwhile) work. This will not be easy.
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