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Viewing: Notes » Sparks.

Sparks.

(6 minute read.)

'Careful with those electro-shock paddles, Eugene.'

There are clearly identifiable factors for my unhappiness. Whether they're reasonable is another issue entirely. Several appear to be highly illogical and/or quite ridiculous.

• Guilt at having been a poor parent when my kids were young, and not being able to help (financially and other ways) them as adults.

• Regret about how I've lived too much of my life—done stupid things and wasted much of my life.

• Lack of good health—CFS, burn-out, cancer, some significant dental issues.

• Being such a fuck-up, not being able to 'get my s**t together' despite obvious talent. I'm good at what I do, but have crushingly low levels of self-confidence and -esteem.

• Insecurity—financial and housing. I rent, and don't have a lot of money.

• Significantly intrusive thoughts. I get unwelcome flashbacks, of bad events which obviously make me unhappy, and good events which trigger sadness (for instance, that I no longer have a particular circumstance or person in my life).

• Being alone. The absence of a true companion. I miss being in a relationship with someone to love and be loved by. Several years ago, after my cancer diagnosis, I decided that because of my health, any such relationship would be unfair on the other person.

• The state of the world. I realise that may sound ridiculous.

• My impending death. 'Ok, I'm unhappy, but I'll miss the place'… except that I won't of course, because I'll be dead. Irrationally, the thought of no longer being able to see my family and that one other person hugely saddens me. Yes, honestly, it does. Ridiculous.

• 'All of the above.' together, they deplete me, physically and mentally and emotionally, in a way that 'the whole is greater than the sum of its parts'.

So yeah that's why I'm a bit down.

And I think these are valid reasons. It's likely that one of them individually, or even several of 'em together, wouldn't have been a problem, and certainly not if I were stronger.

But together, and over time, the consequence is that I've become so drained and depleted that I've not been able to overcome them. Honestly, much as I love life, there has never been a time when I've more wanted to not be around… and wouldn't be, if I could leave early and not cause grief to others. And this feeling has progressively increased in recent years.

As noted earlier… these various 'sad events' are ongoing in my life, and consequently so is the associated 'temporary emotional reaction' of being unhappy.

So, I think any pharmaceutical treatment would simply be treating symptoms rather than the underlying cause.

Added January 30 2026 by g.

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