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Flamed.
(2 minute read.)
Burnout, self-doubt, apathy, etcetera.
Probably the biggest problem I've had in returning to business after my time-away is doubt… of myself and the projects I've chosen.
Not unexpectedly, this has significantly affected my motivation.
With an almost total loss of self-confidence, when looking at my project list my typical reaction is…
'That's a stupid idea, and the name is shite—and even if it isn't a stupid idea, the name is still shite'.
And, when using AI for an objective analysis and viewing a project as if it were somebody else's rather than mine, and thinking 'well that's actually quite clever, it's a decent project', then my reaction is 'Who the hell am I to try and do something like that? Do I have the ability? And besides, there's others who're far better placed (smarter/established/more resources) than me, doing similar stuff.'
And… my motivation?
It comes and goes, unpredictably.
I've had periods of significant enthusiasm, and also whatever the opposite is—boredom and apathy regarding the projects and business. (Of course I'm aware that a feeling of simply not caring is common after severe burnout, the apathy being a defense mechanism of the brain.)
Consequently, progress (ha!) has been start-stop. With a lot of stop (often months at a time).
Much of this has been deliberate, intentional… part of burnout recovery—'be gentle on yourself, etcetera'.
So, having done the self-care and forgiveness stuff, my view is that it hasn't worked for me. Huge uncertainty, significant self-doubt about the wisdom of my project choices and ability to do what I've chosen, remain.
Additionally, there's a feeling of 'why am I bothering at my age?' And that I'd be better off spending the time relaxing in the garden.
Anyway, this note should be the end of the recent flurry of posts. I hadn't planned to write so much in recent days, but hey—triggered by the recently mentioned sit-rep appraisal, here they are.
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