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Limp.

(4 minute read.)

'Rumors of my demise may not have been greatly exaggerated.'

'Fuzzy' noted (for information, not attention-and-sympathy) I've ongoing health issues which affect my work.

This has never been a secret, and it's relevant to mention the situation… factually and unembellished.

I won't dwell on or whine about it… hell, things could be a lot worse and I'm glad they're not.

But the reality is that I won't/don't/cannot work in some of the ways which might be typically expected of someone 'doing entrepreneurial stuff'.

Overall, I'm weaker… less confident, more absent-minded and introverted, with reduced resilience, than I used to be.

It's required a change in how I work, to more of an advisory/background role.

I can still do long days and all-nighters, but that's not wise.

To be effective I need to work smarter rather than longer/harder, and so I try to restrict myself to 3-4 days a week, each no more than 4-6 hours.

The root cause of my depletion is several unrelated issues:

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Although independent of one another, none fully-cleared and so the effect of each has been worsened by the chronologically-previous incident.

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The cumulative consequence has been significant and progressively greater fatigue (at times literally incapacitating physical tiredness) and moderate cognitive impairment (affecting memory, thinking and judgment).

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Cognitively…

  • I forget things more often.
  • Some familiar things which I used to do easily, are now puzzling. And learning new things is considerably more difficult.
  • Focus and ability to concentrate is sometimes reduced, leading me to more easily lose my 'train of thought' or the thread of conversations, books or movies.
  • I sometimes feel overwhelmed when reading/taking instruction, planning steps to accomplish a task, and making decisions.
  • My judgment can be poor.
  • I've reduced tolerance, increased irritability and apathy.

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I've largely adapted to these issues by changing what I do and how I do it, in combination with neuroplasticity therapy.

And, surprisingly, in some areas of 'thought process' I've become genuinely more able (focussed, balanced, tempered) than I've ever been.

Other aspects do however continue to be a problem.

And the ongoing fatigue remains a significant issue.

I am tired, I am weary, I could sleep for a thousand years.

Venus in Furs

The weariness is at times (and increasingly) so prevalent that perhaps I should go about my business in nightcap and pyjamas.

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But seriously…

While I don't seek sympathy, perhaps because I'm genuinely too tired to much care about how healthy I am, I'll not understate or minimise the very real and emotionally-draining consequences of such fatigue…

Often I'm simply too exhausted even to manage my routing daily activity.

Exercise is out of the question; at times, I'm literally too tired to walk up a flight of stairs or the eleven paces from the lounge to the kitchen. Often I can’t concentrate. Sometimes I've been too tired to talk. Or think.

There's no pushing through this type and level of fatigue, nothing which'll get back my energy.

No matter how much I rest, exhaustion persists. A good night’s sleep (sometimes eleven hours!) is unrefreshing and does nothing.

Additionally, I've also developed a condition known as 'excessive daytime sleepiness' (hypersomnia)… a dysfunction of the nervous system, it brings an inability to be awake and alert during the day. And it's an entirely different feeling to that of normal can't-stay-awake tiredness arising from lack of sleep.

Daytime naps, often narcolepsy-type involuntary because at times I simply cannot stay awake, can be frequent…

I've fallen asleep without warning, sometimes while eating or speaking, and I'm no stranger to waking-up with my head face-down on a computer keyboard.

Unrefreshing and non-restorative, they don’t improve my energy.

'Sleep drunkenness' has become increasingly common… that groggy 'I feel drugged, where the f*** am I, what's happening?' confusion on waking. Yes, it's a temporary disorientation, but one which can last for 15-60 minutes and further consume more of my day.

It's not all crap, though; some days are good, others a 'one million and forty winks' drowsy write-off. It varies.

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At times, I… genuinely don't know whether I'm coming or going, nor have the ability to work it out or the energy to do something about it even if I could be bothered.

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Add-in the f***in' relentless months-long periods of demoralising drug-resistant nausea, from which the only even-minor relief is to lie horizontal. Of everything, it's this that's troubled me most.

So yeah, sure, Life's fun… and I recognise it could be a lot worse, and so I'm laughing at myself rather than griping.

For avoidance of doubt, what's here is to illustrate my genuine weaknesses which restrict/prevent me being as active as I'd wish.

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