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Fall, alone.
(9 minute read.)
'Your cup be empty, bro.'
A few weeks ago I wrote relatively positively about my business activity.
Perhaps I spoke too soon.
I'm currently back at the low point of my continuing cycle of up-and-down—with a lot more down than up.
As part of open and honest reporting, I've written here many times about burnout. So much so that I'm fed-up with even thinking about it.
I know how burnout 'works'—what it does, and why, etcetera. And I use that knowledge to answer the frequent self-questioning of 'What the hell is wrong with you, g?'
I understand the situation.
Chronic significant burnout can cause lasting, structural brain changes, including the thinning of the prefrontal cortex (responsible for executive function) and shrinkage of the hippocampus (memory). It also enlarges the amygdala, increasing anxiety and emotional reactivity.
While many changes are reversible with rest, severe long-term burnout can cause persistent damage—lasting neurological deficits and impairment.
But I seemingly don't accept it. It's not that I consciously think 'I can beat this!'. Hell, no. I just seem to forget/ignore the reality that this is physiological rather than simply psychological… it's not just mindset.
In recognising and accepting that some ability has gone, but other aspects remain, I've incorrectly thought I'd be able to recover to a point where I could work largely as I've done previously, albeit more slowly.
Clearly, I can't. Moreover, I'm further damaging myself in trying to do stuff I no longer can.
It's ridiculous. If I had a broken leg I'd not be trying to walk, or feeling a failure and blaming myself because I couldn't. And, were I a footballer with an injury so significant that I could no longer play, I'd sensibly switch to a role of coach/manager rather than continue to kick a ball around.
But, because as business owners we're not supposed to be weak, I try to continue as if I'm unaffected.
I need to wise-up.
Sometimes it seems 'it's all there'—I feel better. So I think the problem is over, and then perhaps a week-or-so later—or maybe just a day-or-so, or even during the same day—it's clear that it's not.
Moreover, even the tiniest thing (and sometimes nothing at all) might unsettle and overwhelm me… often triggering a stress-response of worry, with associated considerable nausea, intestinal pain, angina, and impaired breathing. This has increasingly become a state in which I find myself for no apparent reason.
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