Viewing: Notes » Up and down.
Up and down.
(5 minute read.)
Burnout recovery. And relapse (again).
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My recovery from burnout continues. My relapse into burnout continues…
Yep, we're switchbacking again.
Huh?
Burnout recovery-and-relapse is well known—hell, even I'm aware of it, and try to modify my activity to have some semblance of normality. A significant trigger of my burnout is circumstances in my personal life rather than overwork, so balance isn't the easiest thing to find—and I accept some degree of the better-worse up-and-down cycling.
What I'd been less-aware of though, and so initially hadn't properly considered and still haven't been able to properly compensate for, is the effect on my judgment. I under-estimated the degree to which I may be affected.
Of course I know that burnout significantly impairs judgment and executive function. The chronic mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion taxes the brain, making it difficult to assess situations accurately, and also to regulate emotions, with associated…
Riskier decision making. Overlooking potential downsides, leading to hasty or irrational risks through impulsivity causing spontaneous and/or emotional, rather than considered and logical, thinking. (And, conversely, risk-averse decision difficulty and avoidance through analysis-paralysis and procrastination.)
So yes, I've been through these. Many times. Hasty decisions, later regretted. And adverse consequences from delayed decisions. I've of course also had the opposite—good consequences from both hasty and slow decisions. It varies. And what I thought was a good decision might subsequently turn out to be a bad one, or what I thought was a bad decision can actually turn out to be better than I originally thought.
The point I'm making here is that I often now don't trust my judgment, and so with significant self-doubt, when I do make a decision about a particular action being good or bad my view often subsequently (sometimes almost immediately) changes and might continue to back-and-forth switch for some considerable time.
In the past year-or-so I've tried to rationalise using AI—exploring the cases for or against something. And particularly to help me assess whether a decision to take on a project might be wise or stupid.
And with all this comes something else of which I'd been too unaware… over- or under-enthusiasm and motivation. One can become abnormally eager to tackle new projects, leading to overcommitment and a relapse.
After exhaustion, the simple return of energy feels exciting. And for those of us with low self-worth, in some way tied to achievement, when we feel 'capable' again, the urge to prove ourselves or make up for lost time is strong—aided by a 'dopamine hit' tricking our brain into over-estimating our ability and capacity.
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