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Mission paused.
(6 minute read.)
'Danger, Will Robinson!'
Perhaps too optimistically, I thought I was recovering ok from significant burnout.
Hindsight and continuing struggles make it clear I've not.
What I refer to as burnout is actually a combo of 'normal' (work) burnout + historic/ongoing emotional/other trauma + adverse effects of cancer treatment + chronic fatigue.
So rather than simply a work-related thing, it's as much attributable to issues in my personal life.
In recent months things have been worsening, the long-story-short of which is that I'm physically and emotionally drained, easily overwhelmed, and 'psychologically drowning in a soup of low self-confidence and -esteem, plus significant guilt and regret about how I've lived too much of my life'.
Particularly relevant to my business activity is that I often have difficulty with decisions, variously too hesitant or impulsive, and usually second-guessing and unduly critical of myself. (An example of this is 'tinkering myself into confusion' about the order of paragraphs in this simple note.)
During the past year-or-so, I've done good creative work in strategy and generating content (primarily book-oriented). But I've continued to hold-off from launching anything, because I know that I don't want (can't face) the responsibility of an ongoing business in which I have to participate daily. And, frustratingly, there's too many days when I'm simply too unwell to work appropriately.
'So… you'd rather remain a songwriter than a singer?' Definitely, very much so, yes.
A consequence of the depletion of personal self-confidence is associated doubt about incipient projects—and a tendency to consider them as being without merit, even after objective analysis. So, right now, I'd happily walk away from all of 'em.
All things considered, amid considerable unhappiness (and, not uncommonly, tears) I genuinely often feel… useless, helpless, desolate and despairing, seeing no route to improvement, almost devoid of hope. I get patches of 'ok', but not enough to kid myself I'm strong and stable—I'm not, I'm weak.
Clearly, albeit something of recent days rather than weeks, I increasingly realise and accept that I can't work as I need or want to, and trying to is further depleting me.
So, I'm pausing.
Again.
Indefinitely.
Wisely.
I'll look at all this again in the new year; try to find a workable solution… see if I can at least get back to being a high-functioning f**k-up, my usual blend of maladjusted defectiveness.
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