Viewing: Notes » Monday morning, 9am.
Monday morning, 9am.
(11 minute read.)
Whatever gets you through the night… or day.
'Tough times at the no hope saloon…' my current situation is not simply a mindset issue. And if it is simply a mindset issue, then I don't have the fortitude to overcome the difficulty.
For context, I'll add a recent note-to-myself from my journal…
'How am I?'
Honestly, and rather than the typical 'I'm fine, thanks.'…
I seem to be ok, and genuinely am better than many others.
But I'm significantly emotionally troubled, and in ways that make it extremely unlikely for me to recover. Additionally, the continuing effects compound and worsen the situation.
I'm profoundly unhappy, for several reasons:
- Significant guilt and shame about my parenting when my kids were younger, and not being able to help them financially as adults.
- Considerable regret at how I've lived and having wasted much of my life. I could have done a lot better, and been a nicer person.
- Extremely low self-confidence and self-worth.
- The absence of a romantic relationship, and the inability to have one (because of my health, it would be unfair on a partner).
- My less than ideal physical health, ongoing burnout, significant fatigue, cognitive decline, anhedonia, cancer and consequent loss of sexual desire/function, recurring nausea, etcetera.
- My apparent inability to earn. And so my financial situation will become difficult, to an extent that I won't be able to afford even a modest lifestyle. Of greater concern is being unable to earn enough to financially help my kids.
- All of this is to such an extent that I can't cope mentally/physically with a lot of normal stuff and am often easily overwhelmed by even tiny things.
I continue to disengage and withdraw from various things… no longer interested, and/or not having the physical energy to do them or the mental ability to cope.
My resilience is extremely low and continues to diminish.
And all of this will worsen through natural ageing.
Without being overly dramatic, I often feel I would prefer it all to be over, and with minimum impact on my kids—not having to sort out the immediate aftermath of my belongings etcetera, and not be too sad about 'father having departed'.
Looking on the bright side… cardiac chest pains have returned, and so it's not all bad. 🙂
I don't feel sorry for myself. All of this is mentioned simply as a 'status update', a situation report. It's not done for attention or sympathy.
And, although in many ways I'm genuinely not too bothered about much of my situation, I am at times in tears about it—I sit and weep.
All things considered, I realise how fortunate I am—things could be a lot worse, and I'm glad they're not. But this doesn't change the reality of a situation in which I'm so genuinely depleted and weary that the fatigue/sadness/despondency are often of a degree that I find it difficult to even think clearly—and just want to lie down and sleep and not wake (yes, really).
'Nothing is very much fun anymore,' I do genuinely find it quite difficult to want to be alive.
So yes, this answers 'How am I?'
Depleted, dejected. Exhausted.
🙂
'g… can you turn things around?'
Do you really think I've not already tried?
That's the journal note. Whatever.
So/and, as made clear in the previous note… I've significant feelings of inadequacy, low self-worth, anxiety, regret, guilt, shame, and vulnerability.
What am I going to do about my business stuff? I don't fully know.
As noted earlier… I'm going forward with a reduced workload. 'I'm getting too bloody old for all this stuff' and so doing less is a definite benefit to me.
I've of course considered accepting full retirement, dropping the projects. But developing something of significant financial benefit to my kids is important to me, and can still be done—so that's my preferred option, and the one which I continue to try to do.
Clearly, what's troubling me is a significant issue—for which beneficial change is unlikely to be quick, or perhaps even possible. So I'll continue to drift a while longer/further. And what I do about my business activity…well, currently I don't need to rush that decision. So we'll see what happens (though I think I can probably recover enough to do something worthwhile, though not all I want, for my kids).
Yeah. Whatever.
And that 'whatever gets you through…' sub-title to this note?
Lennon triggered it… an upbeat, reassuring song about acceptance and finding comfort. In an often difficult and confusing world, whatever coping mechanism or lifestyle choice helps you get through your struggles is perfectly alright.
It's a good suggestion with which to close this note. What 'gets me through' is openly acknowledging my situation and continuing to drift a little more. Plus a lot of Netflix.
Afternote…
Of course I'm aware that this is typical Anhedonia and chronic fatigue—both related, whether it be from burnout, postviral fatigue, longCovid, or other factors.
And yes they can of course be alleviated, perhaps significantly, with appropriate medical treatment (this is not a quick'n'easy fix, and can require years).
But there are other issues which I can't overcome, notably the absence of a romantic partner. The past eleven years single have been tough, and I don't fancy up to maybe another eleven if I live a natural lifespan.
So, all things considered, notably quality rather than quantity of life, at my age I would genuinely be ok about leaving early. My only regret would be that in doing so I'd be giving up on trying to financially help my adult kids—but because I'm so profoundly unhappy and distressed, I don't know that I can help them anyway.
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