Viewing: Notes » Monday morning, 9am.
Monday morning, 9am.
(11 minute read.)
Whatever gets you through the night… or day.
'Tough times at the no hope saloon…' my current situation is not simply a mindset issue. And if it is simply a mindset issue, then I don't have the fortitude to overcome the difficulty.
For context, I'll add a recent note-to-myself from my journal…
'How am I?'
Honestly, and rather than the typical 'I'm fine, thanks.'…
I seem to be ok, and genuinely am better than many others.
But I'm significantly emotionally troubled, and in ways that make it extremely unlikely for me to recover. Additionally, the continuing effects compound and worsen the situation.
I'm profoundly unhappy, for several reasons:
- Significant guilt and shame about my parenting when my kids were younger, and not being able to help them financially as adults.
- Considerable regret at having wasted much of my life.
- Extremely low self-confidence and self-worth.
- The absence of a romantic relationship, and the inability to have one (because it would be unfair on a partner).
- My less than ideal physical health, ongoing burnout, significant fatigue, cognitive decline, anhedonia, cancer and consequent loss of sexual desire/function, recurring nausea, etcetera.
- My apparent inability to earn. And my financial situation will continue to become more difficult, to an extent that I won't be able to afford even a modest lifestyle. Of greater concern is being unable to earn enough to financially help my kids.
- All of this is to such an extent that I can't cope mentally/physically with a lot of normal stuff and am often easily overwhelmed by even tiny things.
I continue to disengage and withdraw from various things… no longer interested, and/or not having the physical energy to do them or the mental ability to cope.
My resilience is extremely low and continues to diminish.
And all of this will worsen through natural ageing.
Without being overly dramatic, I would prefer it all to be over, and with minimum impact on my kids—not having to sort out the immediate aftermath of my belongings etcetera, and not be too sad about 'father having departed'.
Looking on the bright side… cardiac chest pains have returned, and so it's not all bad. 🙂
I don't feel sorry for myself. All of this is mentioned simply as a 'status update', a situation report. It's not done for attention or sympathy.
And, although in many ways I'm genuinely not too bothered about much of my situation, I am at times in tears about it—I sit and weep.
All things considered, I realise how fortunate I am—things could be a lot worse, and I'm glad they're not— but this doesn't change the reality of a situation in which I'm so depleted and weary that the fatigue and sadness and despondency are often so great that I find it difficult to even think clearly—and so just want to lie down and sleep and not wake.
'Nothing is very much fun anymore,' I do genuinely find it quite difficult to be alive.
So yes, this answers 'How am I?'
Depleted, dejected.
🙂
'g… can you turn things around?'
Do you really think I've not already tried?
That's the journal note. Whatever.
So… what am I going to do about my business stuff? I don't fully know.
As mentioned earlier… I'm going forward with a reduced workload. 'I'm getting too bloody old for all this stuff' and so doing less is a definite benefit to me.
I've of course considered accepting full retirement, dropping the projects.
But developing something of significant financial benefit to my kids is important to me, and can still be done—so that's my preferred option, and the one which I continue to try to do.
Clearly, what's troubling me is a significant issue—for which beneficial change is unlikely to be quick, or perhaps even possible. So I'll continue to drift a while longer/further. And what I do about my business activity…well, currently I don't need to rush that decision. So we'll see what happens (though I think I can probably recover enough to do something worthwhile, though not all I want, for my kids).
Yeah. Whatever.
And that 'whatever gets you through…' sub-title to this note?
Lennon triggered it… an upbeat, reassuring song about acceptance and finding comfort. In an often difficult and confusing world, whatever coping mechanism or lifestyle choice helps you get through your struggles is perfectly alright.
It's a good suggestion with which to close this note. What 'gets me through' is openly acknowledging my situation and continuing to drift a little more. Plus a lot of Netflix.
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