Viewing: Notes » Monday morning, 9am.
Monday morning, 9am.
(11 minute read.)
Whatever gets you through the night… or day.
It must be about time for another sit-rep status update.
Ok then, here we go—let's get into it…
What's here is seemingly ridiculous, and won't be well-written—I'm trying (and failing) to neatly interweave several things into a coherent whole. So please excuse the disjointedness. Published purely as matter-of-fact full disclosure update of my less-than-ideal circumstances, attention and empathy are neither sought nor required.
And, 'whatever would the mob at LinkedIn say?', it is of course wholly inappropriate for a business site. 🙂
'Objection—relevance?'
Over-ruled—goes to state of mind. And because that of course can significantly affect my work, it's relevant to those with whom I do business and/or who might be thinking about doing business with me.
Righto…
'g… no excuses… why are you not progressing as intended with your business stuff?'
Honest answer, and bluntly ridiculous though it sounds: with various physical and emotional issues, I'm so utterly and abjectly unhappy that I literally often do not want to be alive—here, in these circumstances.
This is not a new thing. I've aired it in previous notes—here, here, and here. And, for avoidance of doubt, *I most definitely am not suicidal*. Yes, absolutely. It would be unfair on my family.
In spending too much of too many of my days trying to occupy my mind in such a way that, at least for now, I can face (albeit somewhat reluctantly) another sun-up, 'business' is infrequently among my preferred choice of activity—please excuse me if I don't rush to launch and in so doing burden myself with 'daily obligations and another fucking social media post to read or write'.
For avoidance of doubt, let's clarify 'utterly and abjectly unhappy'.
This is not simply someone just having a bad day/month/year or feeling dissatisfied and a bit down.
I use the term to signify profound emotional distress, anguish, suffering. Amid a deep feeling of isolation and aloneness, I have a pronounced sense of hopelessness and despair, in which I see no way out of my current and worsening circumstances.
Oddly though, I remain calm about it. Although I wish things were different, I'm accepting… it is what it is and I'm not even pissed-off, and most certainly not miserable/grumpy/angry. I enjoy a degree of serenity.
Though I'll accept critique of over-reaction and that maybe my view is genuine madness—because certainly I'm in far better circumstances than many others, and so shouldn't feel as I do—throughout recent years I've thoroughly considered my situation and frequently review it. There's not much variation—sometimes I feel a little better, other times a little worse. The range is mild, never changing that 'really not wanting to be here' view/decision.
I think perhaps we can mentally reach a point where things irrevocably change… 'after the egg is boiled, it ain't no good for frying'. In my case, dysfunction becomes the new normal and my mindset has altered to become perhaps anything other than what it maybe ought to be.
'Negative cognitive evolution often occurs through profoundly damaging experiences, trauma—long-term or chronic stress can permanently physically change brain structure and chemical function.' Amygdala, hippocampus, prefrontal cortex; cortisol, serotonin, dopamine, gaba. Etcetera.
Sometimes mindset cannot readily be changed, the brain altered so deeply that traditional cognitive reframing, positive thinking, talk therapy, etcetera often fails completely.
As noted, it's not a new situation. I've felt this way for several years, albeit to a lesser though progressively worsening degree.
What's the cause? Things in my personal life… and which, though individually I could handle relatively easily, in combination have become beyond me. This continues to significantly deplete me, to an extent that I have very little remaining resilience. Often overwhelmed into tears, I simply cannot cope with my life.
In practical terms… amid physical weakness and/or lack of desire and/or emotional resistance, there's much that I either can't do without difficulty, or simply can't be bothered. So the car doesn't get booked-in for service, the house vacuumed and dusted, plants watered, etcetera as timely as should be. And with it come tears-for-no-apparent reason —in the supermarket, at home, wherever.
A situation I find to be darkly amusing, I'm not greatly bothered about my personal well-being… amid considerable self-neglect nowadays I frequently can't even be bothered to eat or drink. Daily showers? A thing of the past m'dear (the subsequent fatigue is such that I'm drained for maybe a whole half-day).
'Do things I enjoy'? Not for a while. Music? As the past unwelcomely intrudes, most of it is too painful to play.
Bucket list? It'd be short, just a single item: with luck, I'll spontaneous combust. [That was a poor attempt at humor.]
(And yes, with meaningful improvement unlikely, I do of course realise that the situation is entirely unsustainable.)
I genuinely do miss happiness and joy.
'So, gulliver… you feel a little diminished?'
Er… yes… you could say that. Just a little. Yeah.
And so now we all know, let's all move on.
But wait—there's more…
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