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Thought.
(1 minute read.)
'What have I become?'
I've written frequently recently about my commercial activity.
There's one thing that I've been reluctant to mention, which needs to be added, and there's no good way of presenting it.
So, with that in mind, and unconcerned whether it's considered appropriate or not…
Relevant to my objectively poor progress with my projects, a contributing factor is that, for a variety of reasons, much of the time I would genuinely prefer to not be alive. But I have to be, because to leave early would be unfair on my adult kids.
I've felt this way for several years, and consider it to be a well-reasoned view rather than simply an emotional over-reaction. I'm not sad about it.
There's various contributing factors—health, guilt, regret, aloneness, and more—which individually are easily handled but together can significantly reduce quality of life.
So yeah, I'm done with it. I really have had enough.
I'm not happy about various things in my life, and see no possibility of a change in circumstances so that I would be. And being satisfied with what I have (and grateful the situation is not worse) is no longer enough.
Further, I've almost exhausted my reserves of the resilience necessary to deal with this.
This obviously affects my work, and, all things considered, I think I'm doing ok in 'keeping it all together as well as I have done'… to not be more screwed-up than I am, and for my commercial activity to not be in worse shape than it is.
So then, now we all know.
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