Viewing: Notes » Dazed and confused.
Dazed and confused.
(6 minute read.)
Cognitive overload, and the consequences thereof.
(continued… page 2 of 2)
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'Crisis? What crisis?' how long is this likely to continue?
Honestly, I've absolutely no idea; it's already waaaaaaay beyond how long I thought (and hoped) it would, and to a much greater degree.
In such circumstances, in awaiting longed-for improvement and recovery, I'm guided by two of my strongest and most important influences…
- Storypeople's 'If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you.'
- Bukowski's 'You wait, and if nothing happens, you wait some more.'
And yes, in view of age and prior incidents, of course I'm aware I may not recover from this—fully, or even partially. We'll see.
As the song (Tom Petty) says: 'Well, the good old days… may not return.'.
And things may worsen. (The song was notably quiet about that eventuality—unless that's what intended by lyrics of 'the rocks might melt, and the sea may burn'.)
In what may be a pleasantly unexpected part/consequence of this, and accepting my diminished ability to influence (or at times to even participate), I think I might be losing some of the dis-ease and guilt I easily feel about various issues…
For example, l've become able to think 'g, you're 68—that's genuinely relatively old; so realise that resting more is ok, and don't feel bad about being tired or weak and no longer able (or wanting) to do things that you used to do.'
(And yeah, of course I'm aware of the 'still young at 92' attitude that some have. I don't.)
So, in summary—considering what's in this note and others—the long-story-short takeaway is this…
Amid significantly reduced mental/emotional strength and resilience…
'Where I am' is that I wisely continue to stay away from 'proper' and full-time commercial activity, because my 'head is not in the right place'—I lack appropriate desire and drive, and sometimes am neither smart enough nor sufficiently tough to do business to the standard I consider appropriate.
In various normal daily life activities I'm mentally slowed and at times too easily destabilized, with debilitating effects which continue long after I've withdrawn from whatever situation upset me; and by 'upset', I mean that I crumble and feel flustered.
With all of this in mind, I'll continue my part-time activity—during which I adjust my workload accordingly (significantly reduce it!).
Anyway, let's close on something totally unrelated but cheery…
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