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Yeah...
(4 minute read.)
Should I stay or should I go?
(continued… page 2 of 2)
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Update, Dec 2023…
A significant consideration of mine has been that, with the suggested prognosis of the Cancer, plus the subsequent cardiac issue, I'd genuinely expected before now to have already become 'officially terminal' (death likely within months) and either too ill to work or at least in a position where it would be unwise to start new stuff.
And, with that in mind, my attitude in recent years has largely been one of 'you make your arrangements, you say your goodbyes, and literally enter a process of waiting to die'—whilst albeit reluctantly 'cutting oneself some slack'… and so it's a period during which I've increasingly ceased various activities, and 'shuttered/shut down' parts of my life.
(And yes, I do of course realise that others may have a very different attitude, and 'keep firing till the last'.)
That I appear (and genuinely might be—the cancer monitoring tests aren't extensive) to be healthier than perhaps I should be, and with a surgical intervention this month that'll likely sort the cardiac issue… that I perhaps have more time (longer to live) than previously expected is a genuine surprise which has added a degree of uncertainty to my thinking and requires an adjustment of mindset.
So yeah… 'will I, won't I?' my feelings about resuming proper activity are fluidly uncertain, and I vacillate.
The sole thing that interests me, among all the currently paused/abandoned portfolio/activity options, is to resurrect the long-dormant business radio project, and tweak it somewhat to deliver something cool rather than simply expedient… it'll make money because it's good—rather than because it's been structured and marketed with a primary focus of revenue and profit.
But even that's insufficient to 'awaken me enough' and overcome my lack of enthusisasm.
The normal reasons to do something (it's societally or commercially worthwhile, enjoyment, or to prove a point) don't spur me.
In recent years none of these have been enough to overcome the combination of my ill health (not just the prognosis, but also the considerable physical and mental and emotional fatigue from being unwell) and my reluctance to resume proper commercial activity, and in looking ahead I don't see that changing.
- In terms of 'Societal contribution', although I'd like to do more I'm becoming selfish.
- I don't need the money. (I think I've enough to see me through the remainder of what's still likely to be a relatively short time (a few years) left.)
- I can get satisfaction and enjoyment in other ways.
- And I've certainly no need to prove myself.
In considering all of this, it's perhaps wise to simply quit—and discard any notion of resuming proper commercial activity. Maybe I will.
Late December update…
The recent surgical intervention suggests the cardiac issue may not have been as serious as initially indicated, and it's uncertain whether I remain as likely as I was to have a 'significant event' (heart attack).
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